Back to the blogosphere!

My new ink.  Yup.  An ocean wave.  My reminder.

I haven’t written in forever, and it began to feel daunting.  Like a homework assignment that I knew I had to work on but dreaded for no good reason, really.  My friend calls it “eating the frog”...she says you should do the task you really don’t want to do first thing so that it’s out of the way. So two months later I’m finally eating my frog, and actually not really dreading it.

A couple of weeks ago I decided I was done dwelling.  I have an amazing baby and a great husband, a job that fulfills me, incredible friends who stuck by me through some very dark moments, and most of all I have myself.  I have begun to feel like the strong, capable chick I used to feel like, before two years ago when I lost her for a while.  I can’t really explain what has changed in me but I do know I feel like I am back.  My blog got a makeover and became much more cheerful, as I am no longer in a grey place.

Most people think I’m such an open book and they know everything about me from my blog, my facebook posts, etc.  The truth is that you are able to paint any picture of yourself online through social media.  I can tell you just the things I want you to know, and omit the stuff that I know you’d probably judge me for.  It’s a manipulation of sorts even if it’s not meant to be.

I’ve learned a few things about myself and life in general over the last two years; experiencing a loss (of any kind) can teach you things. 

 I’ve learned that emotions are like waves.  They are strong and powerful.  They can knock you down if you are not careful.  You cannot push them back.  You have to be strong enough to let them wash over you and then recede back into the ocean naturally.  Whether they are sad or extreme elation, this is true.  Once they wash away you are just left with you.  If you have been knocked down by their strength you have to use your own to get back up again and face the next one.
I’ve learned that true friends don’t just go to the movies with you and play and do the fun things.  They come over uninvited when they are needed.  They yell at you when you need to hear something you aren’t hearing in an inside voice.  The will follow you wherever they need to if you need support, even inside a port a potty at a campground.  They continue to give you chances even when you are not sure that you deserve them.  They do all of this because they love you and they know that you’d do the same for them.  They listen, every morning, to the same story until you finally change it for yourself; they don’t judge you even if they are sick of hearing it.
I’ve learned that alone time is good, and necessary.  Somewhere along the line I forgot how to be by myself; silence became deafeningly loud and I needed to fill the void with people, noise, whatever.  Being alone doesn’t have to mean feeling lonely.  And even if it does feel lonely temporarily, it passes.
I’ve learned that everything truly is OK in THIS moment.  Every other moment you try to live in is either history or it’s a figment of your imagination.  Appreciating what you have in your life means living your life in the moment and not dwelling or anticipating.

All of these are things I will regularly lose sight of.  If I do, it doesn’t make me a failure any more than experiencing a miscarriage did.  The waves come and go and will until the end of time.  Awesome friends, an incredible supportive husband and the best baby ever are not enough...YOU have to be enough for yourself.  I have to be enough.  And I am.